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The State of the Guru

It’s been so long since I have posted that I feel like I need to catch up…February…wow. I just haven’t had much to say. I haven’t felt very wise or advice giving. Truthfully, I’ve felt more and more like a ghost just kind of haunting the place until he gets some kind of closure.

I’ve been looking for a job. Thanks to some really good friends I’ve gotten quite a few interviews, but nothing solid. There is always someone with a better piece of paper than the one I have that comes wandering in, and then I am out of the picture. I decided last week to go back to school, so I get to be that weird 28 year old (I will be by the time I start again) dude who should be a graduate student but is only getting his bachelor’s.

Sadness Burrito

And this is still a bad month for me. I’m sure everyone who reads this just went “why?” but maybe my friends will get it if they think for a second.  …  There’s that light! My dad passed away in the middle of August a few years back. Most of the time I am fine, but I pretty much spend August in this angst-ridden depression filled irritated hateful little rampage. It’s like I’m drowning in this quicksand of negative emotions. I just stopped myself from debating with my Aunt because she was getting upset, and I couldn’t let it go. I wanted to purge all the negativity out of me even if I made her angry, even if I made her hate me.

Hard to admit that I can be that petty. But do you see why I don’t feel all that wise right now?

Burritos of Destiny

It doesn’t help that about a month back I realized I needed to learn what it was really like to be alone. I mean as a single guy (or girl) you get used to being single. After a while you no longer really feel like the third, fifth, or seventh wheel. I have honestly found it amusing when people feel terribly sorry for me when I am out with my friends. But I came to realize, when I was dealing with a LOT of emotion over something that in the big picture I had absolutely no right to be that emotional about, that I had replaced my “girlfriend” with my “family” of friends. I was just as emotionally dependent on them as I would have been on a girlfriend. That’s why the idea of not being able to hang out with them because of some arbitrary rule bothered me so much.

A Long and Heavy Slumber

Being alone, I mean really alone, is more difficult than you might think. How does one deal with one’s problems when you have no one to tell but yourself? I guess you blog about it. *chuckles* At least when it gets overwhelming.

This time right now is especially hard, but maybe I can face my demons and overcome them. Maybe this is my year to lay this sadness to rest. Or maybe I’ll just finally hit the wall and get my second wind. I can feel something stirring down deep in my soul ever since I decided to go back to school. I’m hoping that is a sign I am going the right way.

Miles To Go Before I Sleep…

Okay, so I’ve been bad about keeping up with this…just haven’t had much to talk about. Although soon Skyrim will be out and I will be salivating over it and will probably post a lot about how awesome it is and how much I want to play it. 😛

Until then, well I just post when I have something I want to say…and today I have a lot.

So first, let’s start with back in high school I was a part of this amazing group of people called Venture Crew 203. Now the Venture Crews started out as a special patrol that was an adjunct of the Boy Scout troop but over the years they let us break away and become an independent entity. We were also co-ed…boys and girls could join with impunity. And I actually didn’t find out until we went to a Scout-O-Rama as a crew that all the other crews in our area didn’t do nearly the exciting and cool stuff we did. We did tons of backpacking and rock climbing/rappelling, and I learned quite a few lessons from these experiences that apply to me even today.

However, the most important thing I feel like I learned from these experiences and mostly backpacking was that you always push yourself to the limits…and then a little farther. And every time I did I always found that my limit wasn’t ever where I thought it was. It was way beyond that, and even then I could push myself farther until I was ready to collapse. As soft indoor dwelling people, our minds rebel at the thought of walking 10 miles in a day, and then add on 30 to 50 pounds on to your back to make this feat seem impossible. But it can be done, quite easily once you remove the mental blocks and just believe in yourself. The backpackers call this “hitting the wall”. You get to this point where you feel like you can’t go on any more, and then you get a second wind. It’s like something clicks in your head and your brain goes “Oh, this isn’t so bad, I can keep going!” Now obviously, eventually, you will reach the end of your endurance…but that end is much, much further than most people think. And even knowing this and having experienced it before it’s hard to go through it again and again. Every trail is a new challenge.

So, why am I talking about this? Because last night I was thinking, as I often do, about my life and where I stand. And I quickly realized something. I have never reached my limit academically or mentally. I’ve never truly pushed myself and found the end. I’ve gotten discouraged and stopped, I’ve let myself be distracted by other things, I’ve let myself be lazy and do just enough to scrape by. And every time I have applied myself, everything is too easy and I wonder why I am trying so hard to accomplish something so small. As a result, I have never even gotten close enough to the “wall” to give up.

But also, I feel like I don’t have the motivation and focus on my own to study and really push myself. I know…weak right? But even backpacking I had my Dad and the other leaders pushing me so I could get there. And that’s what I need…a learning environment where the teachers will push me to be my best. BPCC was great for that…I loved the teachers and all of them pushed me and did their best to challenge me and let me push myself without moving too fast for the other people. And I could tell by the end that my advisor knew me too well because she said “Are you sure you are going to be challenged enough by these classes? We both know you struggle when you are bored.”

So, this is all leading up to…I want to go back to school. And it would be AWESOME if I could go some place like Full Sail and study game development, or game design. But truthfully that is just kind of a pipe dream. I don’t have the money and I don’t know how I would get the financial aid without having to take massive, massive student loans out…and my credit is terrible (well more non-existent).

But it bothers me how easily my Mom dismissed it. I mentioned going back to school to her and she tried to talk me out of it and said I need to try and get a job and just get some money coming in. And I understand…I am 26, I am getting older every day…I can’t go on living on my family’s mercy. But I went back to BPCC in the first place to get a stupid piece of paper so I could say I have a degree. Obviously that isn’t everything since it has been almost 6 months and I haven’t found a job yet. And there is a part of me that HUNGERS for knowledge, and a need to push myself as far as I can go for once and reach that limit and say “Enough…this is it…I’ve found the end.”  To not have her support, hurts me a lot. She’s always supported me…and now that I want to go back to school and try and realize my potential her discouragement (especially considering my whole family pushed me into going into college right out of high school when I wasn’t sure I was ready) is well…discouraging.

But then, part of me realizes I can’t settle. After seeing all those inspiring quotes by Steve Jobs after he passed away, and rewatching his commencement speech to Stanford in 2005 more than ever I am resolved to do what I love. I have to do this, I have to realize my potential and be everything I can be. Otherwise, I am failing myself and everyone else by being less than what I could be.

Well, thanks for reading, although this was more a “I need to get this out before I scream” kind of post. I will try and get back on the weekly gaming posts and try and find stuff to talk about more often.

CG