So today I went to see my friend Helen and hang out at the park for a bit with her and her son, Dakota. All right, now…take a couple of deep breaths. I can already hear the growling from any of my friends who read this. Just calm down, and listen for a moment.
It seems like no one else I knew saw Helen the way I did. Even her best friend at the time, Kristin, saw her in a different way. And really a true understanding of why I wanted to be around her and have her in my life did not come to me until after Kristin was gone.
First off, you must understand that I am an introvert. It took me years before I could talk to someone I didn’t know and look them in the eye, and even then it was just barely. When I was younger, I listened more than I spoke and apparently this idea fascinates people. It makes me seem intelligent and wise because I didn’t speak unless I had something useful to add to the conversation. The truth is simply that I hate the spotlight. And after high school I struggled with a lot of emotional darkness for a lot of years and finally reached a point where I was just surviving more than living. But I was kind of a zombie walking through life. However, then I started working with Helen and Kristin, and they wouldn’t take no for an answer. I certainly never understood why but they dragged me to the clubs, out to eat, out to drink, and everywhere like their favorite stuffed teddy bear. And in a way, they helped me wake up from my zombie like state.
But back to why I wanted to keep Helen in my life so badly even after Kristin (whom I wanted to date) was gone. Helen throws herself at life with a passion and energy the like of which I have never found in any other person on this earth. And having her in my life (combined with her resolute stubbornness) means she drags me along for the adventure. It means I get to experience life and not just make it from one day to the next. I get to do so much more than just survive. And meeting her little boy today absolutely amazed me. He throws himself at life with the same fearless stubbornness that his mother has. And I half expected (mostly due to my recent experiences with single mothers) to find her unhappy, or exhausted. However she was as full of energy always, chasing him around, pushing him in the swing, and making sure he stayed away from the bigger kid’s side of the park. I was amazed to see the woman who said she never wanted kids so full of love and adoration for her child, especially since I have known someone who seems to regret and, in my opinion, mistreat their child by not putting them first in her life. To see that Helen had made the transition from the crazy, party girl I knew to a real mother, and one who was handling herself very well at that, was quite astonishing. But I should not have been surprised, as she is also one of the strongest people that I know.
Anyway, it was great to reconnect with her today and I sincerely hope it is not three years before I see them again. I feel like I truly need someone in my life to push me outside my boundaries. Debate helped when I was in school to completely remove my comfort zones, and it has. It also increased my confidence and got rid of the outward shyness (on the inside I am still freaking out when I talk to strangers ;)) but it is behind me now, and I need someone who won’t take no for an answer, who is more stubborn than I am, and who will drag me through this crazy whirlwind adventure called life. Otherwise, I will just be sitting and waiting, gathering knowledge, and never build my cocoon and become a real boy.
Yes, that just happened. I referenced two different things as the end result. Yes, indeed I can do that.